Christmas in the rear view mirror...

Well, it is over. The hustle the bustle the Christmas carols and the visits to Santa are done for another year. I have a love, hate relationship with the marevelous time of year and I am starting to think that I am with the majority. I LOVE spending time with family, making memories and visiting for hours on end. I enjoy the "magic" that my beautiful girls bring to a holiday that as I grow has lost some intrigue and mystery. I LOVE giving gifts, truely meaningful gifts and seeing the expressions on the faces of the reciever. I am not a fan of shopping and wrapping and all the consumerism surrounding the holiday.
Some people may know this but five years ago this Christmas my Uncle Rick passed away from cancer leaving behind his two amazing boys and beautiful wife. On Christmas day, just shortly after his 40th Birthday he passed away. I am not sure how my precious cousins have dealt with this horrific experience but I know that my heart aches for them each year as this time of such joy brings yet another reminder of their unimaginable loss. This year they also have to deal with the loss of their family home and all its pocessions to fire. Don't get me wrong they have also had great blessings but how is it that two young boys must deal with such great tragedy? My uncle was and AMAZING man and I am so thankful that I got to spend six months living with him and his family before his life was ended so terribly early. Actually I am so very thankful that we had this great man for as long as we did, I only wish that we could have had longer. I miss you Rick.
It was a terrible process and my mother had to watch as her beloved little bother suffered. As an adult I have truely come to realize that my mother is not an ordinary woman, she is EXTRAORDINARY. She is by far the most selfless, giving, empathetic woman that I know. She spent many moths by her brothers side advocating for the best care and supporting him, his sons and his wife in any way she could. She cooked, she cleaned, she babysat, she councelled, she was a nurse, not because she wanted rocognition of thanks but because she truely wanted to help. I know that words cannot express how truely greatful I am that I not only know her but am blessed enough to call her mother. I know that this time of year is very hard for her.
On a much happier note the girls were more then spoiled this year. Santa brought the girls a mamoth doll house and barbies has begun in our house. It is marevlous to see them use their imaginations and it is truely amazing to me that my 3 year old and not even 2 year old can already create such and amazing game of make believe together. For the most part Mckinna and Kamryn play VERY well together with their ocassional scraps over this toy or that.
Although both girls truely LOVe their baby sister and fight over holding her and playing with her I think that right now Kamryn wins for just wanting to be with Charlee. Every morning Kamryn climbs rather clumsily into the crib with Charlee for a snuggle. It warms my heart to watch Kamryn run to Charlees room as soon as Kamryn even senses Charlee might be awake.
I know that I have said this before and I will repeat it till..well forever, I am so blessed.

Blog Surfing

First a confession...I secretly long to be a great blogger. Now that it's out there I honestly feel no different. Last night after reading a couple blogs belonging to friends then I decided to push the next button just to see what people were blogging about. I discovered nothing that I didn't already know but I was astounded at the fact that a large majority of the blogs have been written since people had children. It seems like we all have that innate desire to have some sort of record of the events that surrounded our families and particularly our children. I found this blog surfing particularly interesting because it made me really aware of the similarities in all people. We are all living out our individual lives that share so many common bonds and yet we all feel so much like individuals. Can you imagine that number of people who daily experience the same emotions and events that you do? And yet we are the only ones who will live OUR life. Our own unique combination of events. We will be the only mother or father our children have, the only co-worker in that particular position...so the same and yet so unique at the same time. Much like snowflakes :)
This season has been terribly busy and although I do indeed love the Christmas season I also have a great dislike for it. I enjoy the get togethers, seeing friends and family. I adore the fact that the idea is to celebrate and feel joyous. For some strange reason (not really) I always wind up feeling more then a little inadequate during this season. Perhaps it is because I am not the best homemaker or gift giver or hostess or all encompassing woman that it seems this time of year brings out. I will be the first to admit that I am by no means Martha Stewart nor will I ever come close. Since I am in this mood of confessing I may as well come out and also admit that I hate gift wrapping. I love to look at beautiful wrapped gifts and I dream of a day that under my tree looks like a Christmas display but quite frankly I am not ready to put forth the effort it requires.
A few nights ago I took time to wrap what few gifts we are giving to the girls and in the morning Mckinna was certain that Santa had come and was literally vibrating with joy. I had to slam her back to reality by stating that she had to wait until Christmas to open the gift...a little crushing for both of us. At least it was a step up from her premature ripping into the gifts at Grammies house which provided us adults with more then a good laugh.
I can say that having my children has brought back some of that true Christmas anticipation and helped me to see the wonder of the season through the eyes of those who need the wonder and imagination the most. I enjoy that fact that even if it is lying to my kids they can dare to dream that the man in the red suit is going to come and bring them gifts simply to celebrate them and their behavior. I am trying my best to also re-enforce the fact that Christmas is the day that Jesus Christ our lord and saviour came to earth in the form of a baby. I am sure that their true understanding of this concept will not come for some time but I hope and pray that it does come and that my family will feel love, peace, acceptance and understanding from their heavenly father. I am sure I will say this again but Merry Christmas, I love you my family.

Moving Forward

I haven't wanted to blog too much mostly because I really want to start at the start. I had thought for a long time that I would begin my blog by telling the story of how I met my wonderful husband and the births of our beautiful children. I just today realized that I will post the details of those important events but I also want to capture the present events.
I am so very excited to welcome my unofficial niece Breanna Leeper. She was actually born via c-section last week but in my not wanting to move forward I didn't want to write about it. I am very excited about her birth because this means that although my very understanding friends have always been AMAZINGly supportive of me and my family, someone will finally REALLY understand what it is like to have children. Again, my friends have always been INCREDIBLE as far as understanding, compassion and support goes but this is just a new step in that forward direction.
We are also anxiously looking forward to believe it or not the first of what will be many Christmas concerts. That's right, next week Mckinnas preschool is going to put on a little Christmas concert. It is just a few songs and poems but she is excited and so am I. It is also doubly exciting because her and Roman will be on stage. I am looking forward to seeing how my little actress handles her stage debut and anxious about how she will do.
I am also pretty excited to introduce Close 2 My Heart Bamboo Wraps. I decided some weeks ago that I needed to make a wrap that was both stylish and convenient. I personally found that the best thing I discovered in three kids was my wrap and I really wanted to encourage other parents to at least give them a try. That being said, not many people can afford to go out and drop over a hundred dollars on something they may not use. I decided that I would sew wraps so that I could give them as baby gifts and thus have no real pressure to use them or not. My simple pursuit has grown into sewing sets to sell mostly due to demand and really not out of desire. I have found though that over the last few weeks I have grown and learned sew much about sewing and the process. I would venture to say that I am even excited about what could come of this. None of this would have even been possible if it hadn't been for a few very important friends and one patient mother in law. I have borrowed a sewing machine, a surger and possibly an embroidery machine. Not to mention that fact that while borrowing my mother in laws surger I blew the motor...although the repair man assures me it was not my usage that lead to it's demise.
Kamryn is growing and so is her speech. She is starting to put together longer and longer sentences. I am looking forward to taking her to see Santa and hopefully this year will not be a repeat of last year when we packed the kids up only to have them cry at the mere site of the jolly old man.
Charlee is starting to sit up unassisted better. I am excited because I have orders some Rockin Green detergent that is supposed to be the best thing for her diapers. I have really enjoyed using the gDiapers for her and Kamryn and although they are more work then disposables I do kinda feel like I'm making an effort for our environment. Long ago I had my darling mother in law sew up some microfiber inserts that I have periodically had to strip because they smell. I am hoping that this new detergent cures this problem especially since the scents sound like they will smell AMAZING.
I spoke to a young woman at my church the other day about the ranch and it re lit my true fire. Although I do not know how that dream will play out I am certain that one day I will run a residential therapeutic ranch for teenage girls. I am hopeful that this young lady can connect me with some people who may be well versed in the area of child welfare and may be able to provide some valuable insight into the start up and operation. I know that it can and will be done and I am hopeful that it will one day be a positive force in the life of my family.
At any rate, I am rambling and I need to make dinner...till I have time next.

Missing you

I am so very blessed to be surrounded by amazing people. My life has been full of love, caring and friendship. The only problem with some of my closest relationships is that the individual on the other end is many miles away. Today as I sit at my computer my mind can't help but wander to the incredible moments and times I have shared with those closest to me. We have been together for much of our true growing up periods. I have been witness to beautiful unions in marriage and times of true heartbreak.

I love all that I have dearly. I love where I live, whom I'm married to, my children and my life in general. From time to time my mind wanders the other roads that could have been. I wonder if I could have been closer to my dearest friends or if geographic closeness only would have pushed our relationships apart? I marvel at the fact that often despite so much passing of times these friendships seem to come right into stride.

I am looking forward to what changes the future brings and also longing for the comfort that routine provides. I would like to write more but the baby is crying. I guess that the point of my ramblings is to tell those friends, thank-you, I miss you and most of all I love you.

Thankful for my blessings

I have started this entry three times already, this is the fourth. I don't know how to express in words the emotions that I am feeling right now. In so many ways I feel like I cannot and never will be worthy of all of the blessings that I have received. In the same breath I feel that just by writing those words perhaps I am just baiting some unfortunate events. And then in the next heartbeat I know that holds no real truth.
My husband came home from work today, no big surprise but a blessing all the same. He tried his best to help me with the supper, the laundry and bath time. He failed miserably but I still cannot believe the blessing that he has been to me and the girls. He is the hardest worker, a devoted husband and an AMAZING father to our daughters. My heart flips over every time he walks though the front door and I see the excitement in Kamryn's eyes as she runs to greet him.
My girls are growing, can I slow that down? It has been such a short time and yet I feel like I need the clock to slow down. The marks on the wall go up and it is yet another reminder of the passage of time.
I watched Mckinna share her snow globe at pre-school today and could hardly believe my first baby is in pre-school. Kamryn is talking, although it is those funny sentences that seem to only include the truly important words. She runs to catch up as she yells "wait, me" and I find myself feeling as if I am in one of those moments that I need to capture and cling to. Charlee, my dear sweet baby is growing bigger and stronger each day and I can tell it won't be long till she is sitting on her own.
I feel that undeniable urge as a mother to not only do everything right for my children and husband but also to protect them from all harm. I know rationally of course that this is an impossibility and that the hurt, pain and sorrow will come but I also treasure all the joy, laughter, hope and light that my family brings. It is amazing that your heart can hurt from the emotions that well within it.
I have a love hate relationship with facebook but I recently read the most saddening news. A "friend" of mine who was a mere two weeks from her scheduled c-section lost her beloved third son. My heart is broken for her. It brings forth the fear and reality that as quickly as something is given it can also be taken away. It makes me want to hang on to everything I hold dear a little tighter and yet I know that my every effort is not enough. Some things are FAR beyond our control.
And so tonight I will kiss my girls and my husband. I will pray for those who hurt and those who morn. I will thank the good Lord for the blessings that he has and continues to pour into my life and I will look forward to the blessings of the future.

Drinking from my saucer

I hate writing. I have hated it since I was a young girl but in one of my deep thinking moments I realized that in the unlikely event that something was to happen to me I would want those that were the closest to me to know that my life no matter how long or short was AMAZINGLY full. I am also certain that after much reading and pondering that it is important for my girls to be able to read about whateven I may choose to write about. I think that I read somewhere (on Leslies blog) that you can turn your blog into a book and so perhaps one day I will gift them a book of my ramblings to really torture them....I know that I am not nor ever will be great with words or with grammar but I guess that I will just have to make due with what I little writing ability I do have.
I chose the title Drinking from My Saucer because I recently recieved an e-mail with this poem attached and the words could not be more true

I've never made a fortune,

It's probably too late now.

Oh, but I don't worry about that much

Cause I'm happy anyhow.

As I go along life's journey,

I'm reaping better then I sowed.

I'm drinking from my saucer,

'Cause my cup has overflowed.

Ain't got a lot of riches,

Sometimes the going's rough.

But I've got a friend in Jesus,

And that makes me rich enough.

I thanks God for all His blessings on me,

And the mercy that He's bestowed.

I'm drinking from my saucer,

'Cause my cup has overflowed.

Oh sure, I've been through some storms,

And yes, I'm sure there were times when my,

Well, my faith must have got a little thin,

But you know what it seemed like?

One day all at once, those dark clouds broke,

And that old sun, she started shinin' again.

So Lord, help me not to grumble and complain,

About the tough rows I have hoed.

I'm drinking from my saucer,

'Cause my cup has overflowed.

And if I should go on living,

If the way gets steep and rough.

I won't ask for other Blessings,

'Cause I'm already blessed enough.

May I never be too busy,

To help another bear his load.

And I'll keep drinking from my saucer, Lord,

'Cause my cup has overflowed.

Yes, I'll keep drinkin' from my saucer Lord,

'Cause my cup has over flowed

Michael Combs